Mind games I play with myself

It is too intriguing and thrilling to look at the poster on the left – the force of the negative emotions keeps drawing you back.  Looking at the poster on the right, gives me freedom that I cannot yet fathom, nor understand.  And negative emotions are so powerful, that I am instinctually drawn to the poster on the left.  The one filled with anxiety, panic and negativity.  Oh, how I long for the freedom to just walk to the poster on the right and be filled with peace, love, calmness, power and a sound mind.

Today is a bit of battle.  You see, I have two anxiety triggers, there are other minor ones but these two can set me off at any time.  The first is my marriage – you see, I grew up in a home that had lots of fighting and ugliness, with both my parents threatening divorce as early as I can remember.  I lived in that environment for 30 years before they finally did split up (just after I got married).  And ever since our daughter was born, the anxiety regarding my marriage has increased ten-fold.  You see, I love this man, but I play these mind games – what if I don’t love him, what if he doesn’t love me, what if, what if, what if…  When I know – in my heart of hearts, I know that I love him and will never leave him, and want to spend the rest of my life with him.  And yet, I still play these games with myself.  And you know the result?  Well, anxiety and panic.  You see, it is much easier to keep looking at the poster on the left.  It’s what I’ve inadvertently trained myself to do my whole life.  When I can and am able to draw away and look at the poster on the right, I feel great, our relationship goes well, I eat well but then, lurking in the back of my mind are these thoughts that explode into my consciousness, and before I am even aware of it, I find myself gazing longingly at the poster on the left.

My other trigger is eating.  When you come from such a stressed filled background, drowned in anxiety and stress, I grew up not eating a lot.  Meal times were never pleasant and I am not the type of person to eat under stress – and we were always under stress.  We always had this burden of a strained marriage and the pressure of trying to keep things normal (even though we could not articulate that in words when so young).  The result was that I was terribly skinny and was teased so much for being skinny, and then your mother taking you to a doctor for anorexia when you have never been on a diet on your life, kind of makes your relationship to food and weight not a healthy one.  You see, I had anxiety back then due to the background I grew up in but everyone – even the doctors – looked at the outward appearance and treated me for an eating disorder that I never had.  I grew up in a shitty home, with a shitty home life – that was what needed to be looked at.  I needed coping skills to cope with the stress and anxiety of what I grew up with.  However, now, the whole concept is so messed up in my head, I can’t tell it apart – the anxiety automatically goes with eating/not eating and not eating/eating goes with anxiety.  All goes so nicely hand-in-hand…

And these two triggers are so inexplicably linked now.  I need to disassociate the two.

I suppose it’s like training for the Iron Man when you’ve never run, walked or cycled in your life.  If I have trained my whole life to be focus on the negativity and anxiety, and I’m only now learning HOW to give a voice to these feelings, then I’m not suddenly going to wake up tomorrow and be all positive.  I need to train my mind, thoughts, emotions, spirit, subconscious mind, etc to do this – and soon all I will be able to look at is the poster on the right.  But, it takes about a year to start from nothing and to train to do a full Iron Man – that is a 3.8 kilometre swim, a 180-kilometre cycle, followed by a 42-kilometre run.  Actually, I would say it would take about 18 months if you have never done exercise in your life before – hubby took about a year to train, and he is a seasoned athlete who had been cycling and running quite extensively, (he had to start swimming from scratch).

So, I am estimating now, but I would guess it would take even longer to train your mind.  Reading the right books and constantly being aware of focusing on the positive are tools you can use to help you train your mind.  Prayer also helps, and reading and watching feel-good movies (as opposed to scary thrillers that get the adrenaline flowing), and watching what and how you speak.

So, I guess I can’t be too hard on myself just yet.  I just find it odd, on Tuesday I was praying and thanking God that I’ve finally reach the point in my life when I can wake up in the morning and feel so grateful for the life I’ve got, for my hubby and daughter, and ever since then I’ve been battling now to do just that.  Odd.

And perhaps all this is coming out now because of all the stress and pressure surrounding our daughter’s birth – which is for another post.

And perhaps I should’ve called this blog, “Peaceful Motherhood” – just perhaps…

English: Sarajevo siege life, winter of 1992-1...

English: Sarajevo siege life, winter of 1992-1993. The children’s spontaneous joy in a fresh snowfall contrasts with the anxiety on the faces of the adults walking behind. Christian Maréchal photo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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About anxiousmotherhood

I have found becoming a mother has filled me with such anxiety on a deep and very insecure level. I hope this blog will help me gain my sense of calm, security and peace...

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