Waking up feeling normal

For the last couple of years, since this anxiety bomb exploded in my head, I would wake up feeling anxious – wondering what the day would bring.  And I would then have to draw on all my coping skills just to make it through breakfast, never mind still get through the whole day.  I distinctly recall having to take each moment, breath by breath.  And my mind was a shambles – I had no control over the thoughts being flung into my head, or how I reacted to them.  When things were at their worst, I started taking Paxil (thanks to my local GP for that).  Paxil immediately helped calm me down and I started on 20mg a day, and now I am down to half a tablet a day.  I have been on since April last year, so just over a year now.  And I intend to stay on until at least the end of this year.

What this has done for me is given me a chance to take a step back, take control of my thoughts and anxiety, and to breathe.  Just breathe.  And it has given me the opportunity to understand my anxiety and to question my fears.  I have been able to focus on positive thinking and believing.  And I’m only taking a half a tablet a day – and as the doc said, it won’t prevent anxiety or panic attacks, but it will give me that space to breath and control my reactions more effectively.  And it has done just that.  I am confident that by next year this time, I could go off these tablets completely.  The thought makes me very nervous, because I don’t want my daughter or hubby to experience another anxiety episode or panic attack – especially if it involves the choking reaction I have whenever we sit down to a meal.

But, the last couple of weeks I have noticed something – and it doesn’t happen every day, but often of late, I have woken up feeling completely normal.  As in, no fear of anxiety or panic, not even a feeling of it lurking in the corner, just totally and completely normal.  Sometimes this “normal” feeling will last through the day, sometimes just through the morning, but more and more I am waking up feeling normal.

And you know what?

It is amazing.

There is, of course, this little voice that says it’s just the tablets, but I’ve been on the tablets for over a year now, and this is the first time this has happened – so yes, the tablets may be helping, but I think it is also me working on changing my thinking, my attitude and focusing on faith and believing.  All of that helps.

I really hope and pray for God’s grace and strength that I may continue on this path – that I can get off these tablets once and for all.  But, if I have to stay on them for life, then so be it – as long as it protects hubby and my daughter from having to witness this awful anxiety, then I am happy to stay on it for life.  If it comes to that.

But I don’t think that it will.

Let’s see what happens over the next year.

Philippians 4:8  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

2 Timothy 1:7  For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

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About anxiousmotherhood

I have found becoming a mother has filled me with such anxiety on a deep and very insecure level. I hope this blog will help me gain my sense of calm, security and peace...

One response to “Waking up feeling normal”

  1. anxiousmotherhood says :

    okay, so I type this post, feeling all so confident, and then suddenly … crash. Guess, its still one breath at a time, but at least I’m so much further away from where I was last year.

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