Tag Archive | New International Version

Emotion 1

Wonder (emotion)

Wonder (emotion) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Further to my post regarding doing the exercises in Angela de Souza’s book, Emotional Gravity, here is my first:

Get perspective and take control

  1. Emotions:  Write down the emotions that you struggle with – FEAR
  2. Response:  Write down your response to the emotion.  It could be an action, reaction or paralysis.  Fear leads to panic – I become paralysed or I want to run away.  Or I almost want to start hyperventilating – I have to remind myself to breath and to keep calm.  My mind starts to race and I lose control of the thoughts that come into my mind.
  3. Action:  Write down the action that results.  It may be a facial expression, a verbal response or a physical action.  Fear – paralysis

Emotional control

Write down the changes you intend to make for each emotion you listed using the following keys:

  1. Emotions are based on what you think and not reality.  Write down what you think at times regarding that emotion and write down the truth.
  2. Write a plan to bring balance to that emotion bearing in mind the keys – distraction, focused thought, will power, prayer, and express yourself.

Emotion 1:        Fear

Thought:           I fear that this is not my life that my husband is not for me, that my daughter is not for me – and that I am going to lose it all or lose myself.

Truth:                I am exactly where God wants me to be.  My prayer throughout my tumultuous childhood is that God would not allow me to have a marriage like my parents, and He has answered that prayer. 

Luke 11:11-13

New International Version (NIV)

11 “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for[a] a fish, will give him a snake instead?  12 Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?  13 If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

Plan:                Distraction: To rather fill myself with God’s truth – I am exactly where I need to be.  Distract myself by quoting scripture, and to breathe slowly.

Focused thought:  To advise myself as if I was giving advice to a friend, “If you love             him, stay with him.  There is no option to leave, and this is where God wants you to be.  So, listen to the Word of God, listen to your heart and enjoy your marriage.  You are not your mother.  You are you.  And God created you to live this amazing life with your husband because of who God is.”

So when I am feeling fear, I need to recite the word of God to remind me that this is where I am meant to be in life.

2 Timothy 1:7

King James Version (KJV)

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

So, God did not intend for me to live with this fear.

Also, to remind myself how good things were and how I never had doubt before I became a mom, which says that all this anxiety and fear is more a situational thing – to remind myself of all the blessing and goodness of the past nine years of marriage and to celebrate making it through the last four years.

Will power:  Listen to the radio, focus on breathing, keeping calm, purposely think the opposite of what is causing the fear, quote scripture, doubt my fear (thank you Joyce Meyer)

Prayer:  To always pray about my feelings and to realise that God is bigger than my fears, my thoughts and my anxieties and through His grace, so am I.

Express yourself:  Which is why I blog…


Hello darkness, my old friend…


fix_me (Photo credit: ~!)

…Hello darkness, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.

Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whispered in the sounds of silence.

Why I think of this song everytime I mentally prepare for this post, I have no idea.  But, I have a plan – not sure if its going to work, but a plan we all must have.  You see, I have been on Paxil since April last year.  At first, a full tablet, then onto half a tablet every day – at one point I was skipping every other day, but then got too nervous so went back onto half a tablet every day.  Now, I think it is time to come off Paxil and say goodbye.  For good.

But, first, I must have a plan.  I have just recently read and completed Angela de Souza’s book Emotional Gravity, which I found to be a great read.  In a nutshell, she gives some very specific advice on how to control your emotions by controlling what you think about.  Of course it is important to understand the why and to forgive, but when all is said and done, you then need to train your mind, your thoughts and emotions to then move past that point.  In the book, she gives specific exercises that enable you to do this.  (To be honest, I think I passed that point a long time ago, but I just can’t seem to let go – hoping this will help me to do that.)  And this is what I am going to be sharing with you over the next couple of weeks.  Once I have done that, then I need to start the in depth process of training my mind (which I been working on greatly already).  And then – it is going off Paxil.  Hopefully for good and forever, but at least for now.  I think it is time, but I want a plan that I can work with, because I am so scared to go off – I have this annoying little voice in my head telling me that all my progress over the last couple of months have been for nothing, and that the minute I go off Paxil, it’ll be anxiety heaven and that my poor hubby and daughter will be bearing the brunt of it.  And my doctors have told me to wean myself off slowly, and I quote “very, very slowly”.

So, my idea is to work on the above, and then for the month of August, I’ll skip every Monday.  In September, I’ll skip every Monday and Friday.  In October, it’ll be every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  In November, it’ll add a Sunday as well.  In December, it’ll be off Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.  In January, we’ll stop all together.  A new year, a new way of thinking and a new way of doing things.

I am so nervous to do this, but I really do feel that it is time.  And if it doesn’t work, I am quite happy to make peace with the idea of always needing to be on something.  We’ve just got to take this one step at a time.  And I need to make peace with losing weight – because that is a sure fire trigger to anxiety heaven… (hell???)

So, bear with me over the next couple of days – lets see where this takes us.

2 Timothy 1:7

King James Version (KJV)

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Philippians 4:8

New International Version (NIV)

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I don’t have, because I don’t ask!


visions (Photo credit: AlicePopkorn)

James 4

New International Version (NIV)

Submit Yourselves to God

What causes fights and quarrels among you?  Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  2 You desire but do not have, so you kill.  You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.  You do not have because you do not ask God.  3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

I’ve taken the whole day to sum up the courage to write this post – you see, I had to make sure my motives are pure.  But, as the day has progressed, I’ve realised that not only are my motives pure, they are in line with the will of God.  This is what I pray for:

  1. First, and most importantly, for God to renew, restore and strengthen my marriage.  Because God has given marriage to us as His gift of love and security.  Proof of this can virtually be read throughout the whole bible.
  2. Secondly, I am praying for our finances.  Jesus came that we may live life in abundance, and we are definitely not doing that now.  In fact, we are barely scraping by.
  3. Thirdly, I pray for our little daughter – that she may grow up strong, secure and confident, because she is a child of God.
  4. Fourth, I pray for this anxiety, panic and fear to be taken from me, because God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.
  5. And finally, I pray that I may make peace with my weight and with the idea of losing weight and that God will help me and give me the grace to achieve my goals and breath into me the desire to want to lose weight, because this body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and should be looked after – that as with Ezekiel and the dry bones, that God will breath into me the desire to be fit, healthy and strong – and not worry about losing weight.  That I can leave this whole issue behind me now and not pick it up again (even when I lose my appetite or don’t feel like eating – actually, especially then…).

I pray all these things in Jesus name, because by His death, I can approach God in His throne room confidently.  But, I also know the bible says that where two or more are gathered in His name – so I ask that you pray with me.  And then I ask for God’s grace to leave all of the above with Him that He may work it out in His time, according to His good works so that all that is happening in our lives may work towards our good – for me.  For my husband.  And for our little girl.

Please pray these things for me and with me.

I know that all of this is in God’s will – I don’t know how I know, I just do.  So, I am asking – so that I can have.  As His word has said.

Keep Your Vision Alive!

‘…We grope…feeling our way like men without eyes…’  Isaiah 59:10 NIV

The Pilgrims who founded America landed at Plymouth Rock full of vision.  The first year they established a town, the next year they elected a town council.  In their third year, the town council proposed building a road eight kilometres out into the wilderness for westward expansion.  But the townspeople criticised it as a waste of public funds.  Amazing!  Once they had been able to see across oceans to new worlds, now they couldn’t see a few kilometres down the road.  What happened?  They failed to keep their vision alive.  How can you keep that from happening to you?

(1) Keep your vision before you at all times.  ‘Write the vision and make it plain…that he may run who reads it.’  (Habakkuk 2:2 NKJV)  Your vision is the road map for your life.  So write it down, read it regularly and keep it before you at all times.  (2) Make sure the vision is yours, not somebody else’s.  In the name of being ‘sensible’ or ‘practical’, many of us ignore our God-given desires.  We undertake a career to please our parents, our spouses or others.  That may make you dutiful, but it won’t make you successful.  You cannot fulfil a vision that is not your own!  (3) Believe in yourself even when others don’t.  You may succeed if nobody else believes in you, but you will never succeed if you don’t believe in yourself.  No matter how old you are, always stay young at heart.  Pearl S. Buck said, ‘The young do not know enough to be prudent, therefore they attempt the impossible, and achieve it generation after generation.’

Waking up feeling normal

For the last couple of years, since this anxiety bomb exploded in my head, I would wake up feeling anxious – wondering what the day would bring.  And I would then have to draw on all my coping skills just to make it through breakfast, never mind still get through the whole day.  I distinctly recall having to take each moment, breath by breath.  And my mind was a shambles – I had no control over the thoughts being flung into my head, or how I reacted to them.  When things were at their worst, I started taking Paxil (thanks to my local GP for that).  Paxil immediately helped calm me down and I started on 20mg a day, and now I am down to half a tablet a day.  I have been on since April last year, so just over a year now.  And I intend to stay on until at least the end of this year.

What this has done for me is given me a chance to take a step back, take control of my thoughts and anxiety, and to breathe.  Just breathe.  And it has given me the opportunity to understand my anxiety and to question my fears.  I have been able to focus on positive thinking and believing.  And I’m only taking a half a tablet a day – and as the doc said, it won’t prevent anxiety or panic attacks, but it will give me that space to breath and control my reactions more effectively.  And it has done just that.  I am confident that by next year this time, I could go off these tablets completely.  The thought makes me very nervous, because I don’t want my daughter or hubby to experience another anxiety episode or panic attack – especially if it involves the choking reaction I have whenever we sit down to a meal.

But, the last couple of weeks I have noticed something – and it doesn’t happen every day, but often of late, I have woken up feeling completely normal.  As in, no fear of anxiety or panic, not even a feeling of it lurking in the corner, just totally and completely normal.  Sometimes this “normal” feeling will last through the day, sometimes just through the morning, but more and more I am waking up feeling normal.

And you know what?

It is amazing.

There is, of course, this little voice that says it’s just the tablets, but I’ve been on the tablets for over a year now, and this is the first time this has happened – so yes, the tablets may be helping, but I think it is also me working on changing my thinking, my attitude and focusing on faith and believing.  All of that helps.

I really hope and pray for God’s grace and strength that I may continue on this path – that I can get off these tablets once and for all.  But, if I have to stay on them for life, then so be it – as long as it protects hubby and my daughter from having to witness this awful anxiety, then I am happy to stay on it for life.  If it comes to that.

But I don’t think that it will.

Let’s see what happens over the next year.

Philippians 4:8  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

2 Timothy 1:7  For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Running a marathon

Training your heart and feelings

I am still busy reading Emotional Gravity by Angela de Souza.  It really is an excellent book and I would highly recommend it (and I am not even half way, yet).  And yesterday, I was reading about how if you have a leaning toward a negative emotion, how you need to focus on the opposite positive emotion and to start training yourself to feel, believe and think  in that opposite emotion.  So, that you can start to have positive feelings, and positive thoughts – and lead a positive life.  As Joyce Meyers says,

“You can’t live a positive life thinking negative thoughts.”

emotion icon

Now, I battle with anxiety and fear.  For whatever reasons, I do.  And I understand all the reasons, and I know how and why I came to be at this point, but none of this has miraculously relieved me of the anxiety and fear that I feel.  That is where I feel this book is coming in handy – it is the realisation that I have to control my thoughts, and train my emotions – as if I am training to run a marathon.  I cannot give into the anxiety and fear any longer.  I need to acknowledge why I battle with this, forgive those that need to be forgiven and now train my mind and feelings. 

So, the opposite of anxiety is:
Assurance, calmness, composure, contentment, ease, happiness, nonchalance, peace, tranquillity

So, I need to focus on feeling calm, composed, content, happy, peace and tranquil.

Easier said than done when living with so much financial stress, and working in a very stressful environment and battling family politics, etc, etc, etc…

But, this I can do.  Take a deep breath, and allow the calm and peace to flow over you and allow yourself to believe and have faith.

This I can do.  I can learn to not have this anxiety that has plagued me virtually my whole life.  It is not going to be easy, because I am constantly aware of this anxiety that sits in the corner like a naughty child, just ready to come out and take over.

Philippians 4:13

New International Version (NIV)

13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.