…Hello darkness, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Within the sound of silence.
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.
Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
In the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whispered in the sounds of silence.
Why I think of this song everytime I mentally prepare for this post, I have no idea. But, I have a plan – not sure if its going to work, but a plan we all must have. You see, I have been on Paxil since April last year. At first, a full tablet, then onto half a tablet every day – at one point I was skipping every other day, but then got too nervous so went back onto half a tablet every day. Now, I think it is time to come off Paxil and say goodbye. For good.
But, first, I must have a plan. I have just recently read and completed Angela de Souza’s book Emotional Gravity, which I found to be a great read. In a nutshell, she gives some very specific advice on how to control your emotions by controlling what you think about. Of course it is important to understand the why and to forgive, but when all is said and done, you then need to train your mind, your thoughts and emotions to then move past that point. In the book, she gives specific exercises that enable you to do this. (To be honest, I think I passed that point a long time ago, but I just can’t seem to let go – hoping this will help me to do that.) And this is what I am going to be sharing with you over the next couple of weeks. Once I have done that, then I need to start the in depth process of training my mind (which I been working on greatly already). And then – it is going off Paxil. Hopefully for good and forever, but at least for now. I think it is time, but I want a plan that I can work with, because I am so scared to go off – I have this annoying little voice in my head telling me that all my progress over the last couple of months have been for nothing, and that the minute I go off Paxil, it’ll be anxiety heaven and that my poor hubby and daughter will be bearing the brunt of it. And my doctors have told me to wean myself off slowly, and I quote “very, very slowly”.
So, my idea is to work on the above, and then for the month of August, I’ll skip every Monday. In September, I’ll skip every Monday and Friday. In October, it’ll be every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. In November, it’ll add a Sunday as well. In December, it’ll be off Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. In January, we’ll stop all together. A new year, a new way of thinking and a new way of doing things.
I am so nervous to do this, but I really do feel that it is time. And if it doesn’t work, I am quite happy to make peace with the idea of always needing to be on something. We’ve just got to take this one step at a time. And I need to make peace with losing weight – because that is a sure fire trigger to anxiety heaven… (hell???)
So, bear with me over the next couple of days – lets see where this takes us.
2 Timothy 1:7
King James Version (KJV)
7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
For the last couple of years, since this anxiety bomb exploded in my head, I would wake up feeling anxious – wondering what the day would bring. And I would then have to draw on all my coping skills just to make it through breakfast, never mind still get through the whole day. I distinctly recall having to take each moment, breath by breath. And my mind was a shambles – I had no control over the thoughts being flung into my head, or how I reacted to them. When things were at their worst, I started taking Paxil (thanks to my local GP for that). Paxil immediately helped calm me down and I started on 20mg a day, and now I am down to half a tablet a day. I have been on since April last year, so just over a year now. And I intend to stay on until at least the end of this year.
What this has done for me is given me a chance to take a step back, take control of my thoughts and anxiety, and to breathe. Just breathe. And it has given me the opportunity to understand my anxiety and to question my fears. I have been able to focus on positive thinking and believing. And I’m only taking a half a tablet a day – and as the doc said, it won’t prevent anxiety or panic attacks, but it will give me that space to breath and control my reactions more effectively. And it has done just that. I am confident that by next year this time, I could go off these tablets completely. The thought makes me very nervous, because I don’t want my daughter or hubby to experience another anxiety episode or panic attack – especially if it involves the choking reaction I have whenever we sit down to a meal.
But, the last couple of weeks I have noticed something – and it doesn’t happen every day, but often of late, I have woken up feeling completely normal. As in, no fear of anxiety or panic, not even a feeling of it lurking in the corner, just totally and completely normal. Sometimes this “normal” feeling will last through the day, sometimes just through the morning, but more and more I am waking up feeling normal.
And you know what?
It is amazing.
There is, of course, this little voice that says it’s just the tablets, but I’ve been on the tablets for over a year now, and this is the first time this has happened – so yes, the tablets may be helping, but I think it is also me working on changing my thinking, my attitude and focusing on faith and believing. All of that helps.
I really hope and pray for God’s grace and strength that I may continue on this path – that I can get off these tablets once and for all. But, if I have to stay on them for life, then so be it – as long as it protects hubby and my daughter from having to witness this awful anxiety, then I am happy to stay on it for life. If it comes to that.
But I don’t think that it will.
Let’s see what happens over the next year.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
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